Mental Solace




If you help me lose my self-respect expect me never to bother and respect any of you, dear awesome 'friends'!

Excerpts from my writing:


"There's nothing worse than doing with somebody elses soul whatever served your interests best." "If you want a life that can be lived with no regrets and ease of the heart, with no remorse and no revenge you don't cause best sufferings. If you caused that already somebody did something wrong to you or you did something wrong to them. Where there's revenge there's reciprocity in actions. Where there is too much forgiveness there is separation from those things that go wrong which can encourage a certain kind to go on doing wrong to those accepting that wrong. I Will never be grateful for the help I was offered to go through Hell with the acceptance of a suffering that was promised eternal so that your evil bastards kept being proud of themselves and their achievements." _"Truths from Hell"

Never will I care again about how sorry you are for hurting me once more, 

Kept trying not to fight back too much, too hard, got tired and now I hope you all got what you deserved. 

If you are restless, if you cannot sleep, know that I felt the same. 

I fought as much as you did, perhaps you never knew it but to have some fun after everything's done, all nightmares gone and us, forgetting the ones doing wrong to us, gone forever, away from their knowledge and hands. 

Nobody can hurt us again; now we can laugh and feel free to be happy. 

Now we can decide to let them punish each other for what they did wrong. 

_"Truths from Hell"

"Are you admiring your killers, God? Are you admiring the killers of who you are and what you always loved?! where is that power of yours!? Did it get out of control!? Aren't we awful?! all of us, now?!"

(dare to say how you feel! dare to let it go out there and find its way!) 

*It is always their pride, the pride of the many the one that wins, but I'm not sure you want to win a place among them! Nobody wants that!*

~cruel irony~

*never help me exist to be the object of their mockery* 

**I'd rather die than watch their "Poor Thing!" face-expressions**

A mistake is a mistake; we can make art of it, we can forgive or take revenge, we can pay for better days, the mistake will still be there, visible as a mistake to either transform or correct. 

Yes, it does matter and it does depend. It depends on what you see, feel and even live as a mistake. Try living the mistake of other people, try being the mistake of someone else, try let someone apply their mistakes on you then, maybe you'll play less with words and lives. I'll judge you just as you'll judge me if I mistake you, mislead you and punish you for what you didn't do. You'll judge me if I didn't train you correctly. 

It depends, right... it depends on what you see as correct; an endless discussion with those for whom everything depends on everything and anything but never wish to come back to life because life proved a little too hard or harsh on them. Perhaps so that we understood others better and stopped judging them for not being capable of what we were always capable of doing: basically nothing. Always telling you what to do, how to do it and hope for the best, because we didn't have the courage to confront with all the realities out there and because we didn't have toe-strength to fight everybody. You'll get there too, one day... I wish you a long and happy journey until then.

"Some things are meant for some people while others for some other people. Everything is meant for everyone when and if the proper time for them; when and if, perhaps, not damaging... the already damaged."


I needed that refuge, I needed to feel secure, 

you kept attacking it, destroying it, 

It seems that I didn't quite need your help to make a wreckage out of it! 

I needed my refuge, of sciences and hopes, 

I needed to believe in us both! 



Just the kind of artists you'd rather be


"It is our time to rise and succeed, It is our time, the young,

having a young body and a strong spirit,

The oldest strength, the oldest force! 

You, too old people will not defeat us, 

will not defeat us with your know-how to defeat the young,

preventing the young from reaching to the top,

just try and you'll stay dead forever, not just for a while!

Do not prevent us from reaching to the levels of the stars!"

We are alive, we are alive! 

We are the children of the world! 

The kings and queens children of the skies!

So they say and in such terms they spoke that things happened for them the ways they thought right, just and... whatever - to you, whatever! Be strong! Be kind! Be generous! 

These children and their skies don't know about the empress they should love and fear, the one they used to think they could kill, no matter what!


"You like to see us down, at your feet, 

you like to see us cry for the bastards you are! 

You want us to pay for being too weak and not joining you in unfair slaughter. 

How could I love you in any other way than the painful to you, revengeful

for all the pain and suffering you enjoy causing!?"

"There are some heroes out there everyone should care and appreciate more. Somehow, a great deal of them are sentenced to a life they never deserved: - they must be the greatest and most powerful, the ones capable of dealing with those lives... otherwise you'll see them broken and tired of being forced into an unfair acceptance of their lie called life. One day this lie will get broken and out of it they'll get their much deserved and desired perfect lives. You treat them like a disease today, they'll be the saviours of tomorrow, the ones you'll look-up to and wish to be one day the same. A bad guy will hate them for being such heroes. Those who fight diseases that are ugly and damaging the quality of beauty that lives a beautiful life along with those who are helping are treated by those bad guys as a disease; it should be an honour to be such a disease in their eyes. One should be prouder than hell itself!"


There are some out there trying to make one think, believe or see that things that happened to them, all of them, are faults of the very self suffering the consequences; not very sure about that, now. Perhaps we just didn't think about how to make a pleasant collaboration work; perhaps too much pride, maybe something else too, something called need, desperations, anger grown inside by the very people isolating you so they had that taste of powerless power. How else to be greter? By constructing? By creating something beautiful? Something helpful? Something truly great!?


(from "The Book of Treason" - something to be found)

Milling theories walking for miles as if their roots became their legs, 

their lungs are now their petal-arched windows, 

their brick still insanly beautifully made

in shades of gray

growing green soft furs

at the bottom of their Northern suit. 

As I awake from the pleasant dream of not fighting for nothing good

The winds are walking spears of what used to be a cloud

making it shine in all the colours of the palest sunshine. 

I say to my own thirsty mind, to my old tired brains that mantras seem to hide away; 

I find myself soon caught in theories spinned high around by the milling shade of my tower 's decision to stop.

In the middle of this meadow where all the bees are humming, I'm filling some blanks of a little poem I wrote to someone a long time ago; 

oh, wait, there are some papers to work on!

These theories were proven to be just right or wrong depending on the Light's casted opinions on humans and human rights... 

While looking into the darkest sky of last night, clean as the purest waves of dark waters' surface glaze,

the air is transporting a feather and a silver-nib to tell to the stars a story in images, those images that I need to make-up for all the horrors I created for all of you to think of.

- poor thinkgs! oh, poor things! like a queen I react, defying the laws of this Universe in which you all counted more; don't worry! You will still be counting more, your world wil make sure that you'll stay the bravest and most wonderful of all! - 

Flying a message, this out of a pillows' dream thing, the feather is shining a therapy through these skies in which it's own existence did count... for a while. 

Now light is revealed into this darkness of mine, by darkness empowered its magic the light; 

Right now I am watching what I thought that simply was 

on its way of getting eternal remembrance and praise for its grace. 

Silly-chill Love ~ silly or not here I come! 

Silly-dilly days,

originally generous praise of watchful dreams that used to be broken,

that used to feel too much for the ashes in an ashtray adorned with organic muds. 

Milling theories, carrying their bricks along the paths in the woods, on the meadows,

over the hills and valleys we catch dreams of times when observing,

creating on the screens of heavenly stories told by some angels,

felt wonderfully shared!



"Don't get well if anything happened to you! Don't you dare get well, don't you recover from any stupid or not awful but traumatizing experience and if you do, never show anyone that you're happy or okay with yourself and the present of becoming as normal and powerful as you always knew you can be! Don't recover from a traumatic event; they will hunt you down for just daring to - Just who do you think you are!? Trying to be what an who you're not, dear!? Don't be mean, do not curse and swear! Don't be upset: they only tried to make things even worse for you, to punish you for getting back there on the track, thinking yourself valuable enough for dealing with just about any losers-ship. It was only the losers ship, you should have been able to live through all that thing and make a difference! Don't worry: there's another chance somewhere else! There's always something better for you! Someone made sure they'll make it happen for you so you don't bother too much for finding your ways in life - someone did have the guts to destroy some other victim's of innocence and pride's war life so you didn't have to!"

- You didn't want to allow me to forget. You said that if I forgot sometime I'll get live all that once again... you blamed and cursed me through those words and unfortunately I didn't have the kindness to understand you and agree with you. Then someone else, in collaboration, perhaps (?) with somebodies, convinced me of my very theories that things could have gotten much worse; they cursed me even worse through that, so do not worry, please... never worry for not enough bad things they wished to me, dearest ones! Never worry about those! her anger was true, her tears, back in her days of weakness, real and honest. Why shouldn't she become an awful cold and strong angel-bitch, revengeful on the spot, right when you attacked her ~ BOOM! 

How would you like yourself in the shoes of someone who used to hold dear to the same principles and values you used even against her so you'd get a comfy life in luxury and shame you do not know of anymore since you forgot about all feelings, all training knights and fighters in the name of justice, love and peace... Hmmm.... That God of ours, still believing, must be incredibly ill! His very illness: the strong belief in a wreck and the wreckage they can make out of a younger human than we might have thought this one was! 

She said: Bravo, brave men! Strong women! 

What's left for me to say now? Error's win! They always win... why not be the error in a system?!

"My existence is funny for you, this way of leading an existence, you make fun of is real; at least I am entitled to make fun, have fun on this (this existence of mine!) what's your excuse? Right now you don't have any need, any reason to make-up excuses; when you'll have one of those I won't be there to listen to your games and treachery, your nice and smart deceiving decisions." 

(and if they'll force you they'll fall with you! And if they'll humiliate you it is because they all got united to do so! Oh, Lord! What a manly decision, What a beautiful call they all have!!! I wouldn't change the life you wished to have, the force that carried you around the ways it did for so long for anything in the whole wide world! I'd rather kill before I lost that, girl! - It was all that you had to make fell alright with yourself! How honorable of them and their... stand!)

And as the skies of blue move clouds in fast-motion the pillow gets her mind to that place where the angels of light all unite to get her up and ready for another round;; she has to get-up on her feet now! She has to... move on. A strong little girl is what she always was; she'll get up moving along with the angels that always cared and carried her to her brightest destiny, to her best decision... to what love meant to her using her power for all the reasons to be right, this time."


"There was never a war, never the human race spilled the blood and made another human cry for their empires, their palaces, their mansions ... Never anyone made somebody else suffer for their prides and their wealth, for their well-being. It was all just a lie, child. All those wars, all those murders, their abuses of power, their applied theories on us... their glory was based only on their own self-sacrifices! On their personal suffrance! It was all about some lying, fantastic in its own way so it produced some feelings that might just make them happy with their fames and their legacies. 

Their lives, our lives: all just a bunch of lies. So, why shouldn't I live the lie of an impossibly beautiful life!??!"

Trapped in the box of feelings produced by everything you'd need to forget so you kept going on, 

'had no problem sentencing me to the same-old, same-old memoire!

If You belive that scars like this one heal without miracles made by angels appear, disappear, reappear...

if you believe that there'll be no trace of their history after the scar's mend, 

you don't know everything. 

If you believe that you can make something like this disappear with your ironies and cunningness of those teaching you how to be cruel

see if they bother now for whatever was real. 

They never care, they never heal! 

They have no hearts of doctors that would do a good deed so they saved a life and along the kindness of that spirit we all attributed to Love! 

They love their jobs of high great emperors and queens. 

They never quit a place like that! 

They love commanding even what's not to command. 

Don't get me wrong: they are not evil

only addicted to powers they won't lose either for treason nor for all loyalty in the world.

- When things don't go the way you want for yourselves, for your prides, for other people involved (they happened to be put to the wall! they happened to get themselves involved - there you go, being the awesome executors! still proud of who and what you are?!) you start cursing and swearing, that's alright. When things don't go the way I want for myself and my pride I start remembering, I start creating, I start looking for answers, I'm sometimes praying - then I cursed; I curse and say what you want to hear, I behave, I behave the ways you need me to ... or just play pretend, depending on what's comfortable enough for me. Don't try to control me, it will come back to you with all the force applied and all the suffering involved. I felt the pressure, that pressure will kill you - do not forget how awfully scared you are of Death! (I wonder why? is there some real guilt that makes you deserve to crawl and strive?). I'd be more scared of the life after this passage, the one created out of good wills of helping us realise that there was no fairness, there is nothing good about our blind faith: they're killing our faith, our souls chasing away that spirit so longed for, the one that they need to be, what they could never be... they're dead, they're dead to me! ... I'm living among dead people wishing to rise, forget without forgetting and live accordigly (to orders that are giving me the right to be the ways I want to be; the ones I always wanted to be.) I do not like the woman creating things for me! I do not like those boys and men attacking me.

- Could you just wipe out with a sponge all that went wrong and give me the perfect life with that perfect guarantee of never getting harmed again? ... (Well, I'm waiting).... can you (do that)?


~"I got to the conclusion that someone always has to suffer for someone else to be happy. Sometimes I wish I could choose for whom to make this choice and for whom not to. Why do I feel that not everybody really deserved this sacrifice of mine, now?!"~


You are so young in spirit and so strong, 

You can believe in yourself, 

the world hasn't cut any wing

off your back,

off your soul! 

You are much loved! 

Treasure right now all that you are and be yourself, 

aware of the power, aware of the dangers, 

aware of the infinite love you were blessed with. 

Here, irony has no go with this wish of mine for you to be well; 

There irony spoke too loud to my already hurting soul. 

A German call: You are my soul now, take good care of yourself, love! 

He was ready to sacrifice the life of a little girl, a little boy, 

the life of a child, 

- let's hope that it was only one -

for your world!

How could you not love him for what he did to us, to you, to her? 

How could you not fight against the victims trying to rise and make them pay for what they've done!? 

How could you not be on his side, the rapist, the cunning and smart, the tool of evil,

the slow murderer

of life and what you all stand for. 

He killed for you so you'd be his sheep, following his rules, making him the master, 

making him the god you'd all pray to and for. 

He was the angel who regretted it all: the beauty. 


"A creature coming from God! That's what I was but they ruined me... First was this evil genius mind trying to make himself the king of someone, a lord and shepard, perhaps, lutring children into being his slaves; don't you love these ones? don't you woershop them? don't tell me you don't! Don't even bother! And never tell me that you believe in their salvation - I saw their kind, I could hear and feel the damage they are capable of: too proud their kind to even bother for the ones they scared forever. Too proud of their astonishing achievement! 

I know his kind; appered like a gifted angel saved by a miracle commiting a god damned miracle, and yes, it was doomed and damned this miracle... How could I not be upset? How could you not? How could you accept? 

Some do ask the questions and are ready to fall into the exploration once more. Some do believe that it's worth to be a scientist - others couldn't just die for that success to pull out the eyes of the abusers and haters of kindness and beauty; these others might just find a way to be just for once and thereon forever in their eternal lives as the Angels of God.

(We are alone on this planet and you know it. You either learn how to deal with the truth and the energies you get or pay forever tributes to those who dod care but didn't succeed in getting you out of there!) 

Remember: You are never alone!

Except you are...


(completion of a work - "Not telling which one")

Storm Manager In T[I'm]


  Beautiful illusions flying above us all,

Blindly leaving words behind their lovely and graceful flight,

their loveliest wrath, their honest personal truths, 

Their wishes, their commands,

They will all be fought.

So win!


Storm manager, in time you'll find the truth about yourself and what was possible; 

With all that help they offered to you, my dear, so true!

How could you still believe in me, myself or them to save or lose you? 

Still blind to all the knowledge to kill what's to be killed, 

still blind to what you hated for no choice ever offered

in time to save your will, 

you beautiful good will!  

You save us all now, honey, if that's what you wanted to do! 

You save us if you wanted us all doomed!


We were told a bunch of lies on how to get what we deserved, on how to learn on how to believe,

what path to take for a new life and a new beginning.

We were told a bunch of idiotic lies that I am perpetuating hoping that you'll get much luckier than I did! 

I'm sorry if I failed you!

All the difference it could have made! 

I imagined him as my friend!

I imagined he'd be my brother, my partner, my guide and help!
We were both too young for the secret, for the moment to choose right

from the beginning

we were either too hot or too cold.

What difference could that make into the world?

oh, no! 

The question has been asked! Why bother for more now? Let's go and live! 

An asnwer to our cold belief in the unknown... 

from something that's been well known.

(completion of a work - "Not telling which one")

"I prefer to live now because I know that if I succeed in doing something with my life, about my life and for myself then others will get to do so too."

For the ones broken and down with injustice: I'm sorry too, I'm sorry for you I'm sorry for me, I'm kind of sorry for everybody! 

So, there is no God to care about who we are and what we want to do. There is nothing to be good-to-be-supported... unless... 


Is there anybody out there...

(please, tell me that you don't need me to tell you where this from!) 

who'd care?



The Idealist

"They are killing education and fun education every day in this country and I am supposed to be fine with it? Do nothing about this? It's been a while since I found some way to be ok with what I was doing for the immensity of purposes one piece of paper filled with concepts, story-lines and thoughts can produce. Now I find myself at that cross-roads point where I just make guesses about what to do for the best of a community that, inevitably affects other communities too. It's a trend, common or not, that we speak of in every age of our empires brought back to pages of history, relived on stages and screens and sometimes burning vividly inside someone daring heart, enough a rrason offered to imagine things their own ways... Thinking about 'our own ways' now... But no! I must focus on my purposes, many of which do have some educational value, either you like it or not, be it familiar or exquisitely new. I'll just leave a note to myself for when I'll find it entertaining and fun enough to 'run through the fields of gold' like this! So, yes! I am against this killing machine not understanding, perhaps, that I am participating to the same show, that we kill one another each day for the same thing and for something else too. Then again, I am a fighter! This is who I always was. This is who I'll always be! You cannot change the nature of a human being as you can't change the nature of angels and demons! Can one change God? Just think about it... We can only imagine ourselves as changed as we transform; we put ourselves to tests, take examples, drop examples, recalculate and reevaluate the shape of who we are in our entirety then one day we get tired and we ask to be saved from the entanglement we got ourselves into. -One day all this will be over, he spoke to himself, and I will be up for and heading to the City of Life!"

(excerpt from In T[I'm]" Project - St. Process) 

"If he or she - the one who hurt you deeply - was part of your family, born and raised in the same environment, 

what would you do? 

Would you kill him? 

Would you kill her? 

Or would you simply forgive!?

What is forgiveness? 

How should you forgive? 


Saints should go with the saints alike ... alike traces of beauty every human can carry inside letting it show on the outside. 


What was the purpose of all that? 

How can I expect to trust my own judgement now? 

Why not be strong like a rock? 

Why not invincible!?!

"Give me the power, give me the strnght to get up and fight for myself and my kid!

Please, Lord, I know that my mistakes were real, 

I want to know about redemption, I want to know about how it feels to be loved for real, 

to be respected and cared for, 

to be able to feel at peace with the work I do, In the nave of your garden:

- Out! Out! Out! Out of my garden you awful traitor! Out!

The serpent, upset with his god and himself, left the place to be venimous and respected somewhere else. 


- You never really loved me!

- Now how did you know? 

- You never cared enough to find the better way to help me through! 

- Perhaps I wasn't true to you, Mylady!


The queen, upset and tired with her sneak-pick interferred:

- He has his job and you have yours! What went wrong? Please, find another way, the better way of rescuing everyone from their own trouble, dear child! 

- I will not, mother! I will learn how to live carefree and carefully! 

- You will not ruin this kingdom! 

- I won't! I'll simply do what is best for myself and whatever I can ... for you! 

(I will never forget what you did for me)

"Learning about envy and the importance of it,

Knowing that this is just a waste of time, accepting this feeling into my heart, not, 

I'd rather go crazy for learning  and work, for music and hope;


I'd rather be at peace with the entire world."


Sweet interpretation of the ways I fight,

The ways that I use,

The ways that I made you all cry

for nothing, something good,

something beautiful,

something sweet.


Knock, knock! 

Who's there?

Are you there, contributor to our Saviour?


Beloved traitorship

the titles of the hypocrite

"You killed my baby! How can you imagine that my tears won't be murderous, 

The greatest punishers for all those doing that!? 

You killed my beloved baby! she whispered as she'h cried for this more than enough! 

You killed my baby with your wars for dominance and power, with your egos and prides!"

How's this for a good reason to fight against all crime?

"It's a lovely story about two couples who were afraid to meet with the devil before bed-time. A brother and sister, the children playing in the park and the devil doing his and her job... Instantly the crowds gathered to take away home as much happiness as possible. But the poor devil was afraid to offer them more so now, kneeled by the forces of God, he's put to the test once more and asked to give it another try... Help us some more!" 'Out of duty'

(excerpt from "In T[I'm]" Project`)

It isn't her fault that she got born with more luck, 

it wasn't her fault that she fought until dead to raise her child, 

it isn't her fault that she got cursed, so to speak: "I'm sorry, not sorry for what I did."

It isn't, it is... who knows what's better for yourself in the end than the people you messed with? 

Who knows best, who cared more! Where is that God of yours who'd leave you alone? 

Just try not to bother for your entire world: we miss you... we don't. We learned our lessons and we do not care about you anymore. Are we alone? 

In the sea of artists and creators all this means more than a set of accessories to refurbish the worlds we gather in one. In the sea of artists we are, as we get to choose, just another accessory reinventing itself over and over again, until dust will speak about each and every one of us, showing what we were actually made of.

"For I remember what happened and what you meant to me;

One time for being grateful, another one to be upset with what went wrong.

I'm sorry if I hurt you: an object is an object for love to help around and hatred kills the fun,

My hatred kills what's wrong."


Perhaps, much better now 

(from Disappointment Track) 


I just had to tell some more about her feeling;

less would have been, perhaps, much better!


There is time for laughter and there is time for fun, 

there is time for a teardrop to fall down those words of mine, 

Pretending or not to be healing or killing what went wrong.

Will I ever be wrong!? 

Aren't I just about now!?

There are so many questions, so many the thinking ways, 

a scientist's waiting to be loved again, 

a scientist who got rested and feels he'd like to, 

she'l love to, she'd just love to come back and be helpful

to you! 


You will never judge me!

so wrong, much to wrong,

for the things that I'm doing, for those things I have done; 

to speak well about the dangers, the truths and our lies, 

our lives got completed due to the foaming sparkle someone thought that you are.

Weren't you much more!?

Aren't you there!?
Wasn't i pretending that everything went well

just for you

not to suffer, 

please don't suffer anymore!
I am tired, too tired to bring flowers and beauty to our home

which is not something I wanted...

I felt we were living in hell...

sometimes beautiful, romantic,

sometimes going down where I wanted us out of. 


I will never find a way to speak well of those dead people doing it wrong, 

but I did, didn't I1 Aren't I there trying to understand how to make them ok, how to get into their brains,

How to fix them, how to work myself out of this awful place...

sick and demented, that's how they are! 

I'm tired of these 'special cases'! Don't you have some better ones? 

Just in case you'll get there... where you needed. 

Who cared if I needed, whatever I might have dreamed of, hoped for or worked for? 

Who cared!? 

'Why couldn't you be a good friend?' - this question's too stupid for myself to even bother for an answer to myself. 

I'll mind my business;

I know what you wanted and why! I know it, I guess that this is one last teardrop that's stupid enough to rise up into my eyes and speak-up!

I couldn't help it! I loved you! 

Just kill me for that!


The Soldier of Mercy



A soldier of mercy he was, 

and he cried, he cried, believe me, he cried so much

for what he had to do,

for his cowardry,

for not dying instead of killing her. 

"What to do? What to do!? God, please tell me what to do!? 

I thought it was a better choice to kill her than let her go through all that hell!

What to do? What to do!? 

I cannot kill another one! Not for the same thing! Not for the same... thing...

What to do? What to do!? The candles I've been lighting for her are not enough! 

What to do? What should I do when all the prayers and curses are not there to help me through? 

Please, don't make me kill once more! 

I cannot let them all go free

and let them killed like that!? 


What ... should... I... do.../\




He sits and cries and prays and yells at God and at himself: 

"Why couldn't I be braver? why?" 

I dream about the day when this will end! This stupid, stupid war!...

the one that's not for them the ones taking it all,

taking advantage and letting us get killed or kill each other day by day.

I HATE them! HATE them all! ... cold bloodded evil and deceiving murderers! 

Great cowards not daring to get here and spit

(their own personal)

guts and blood,

*plus drive and thirst*

the one they make us mark with



"I'll join your group! I will do anything!

I want us to get done with this cruel slaughtering of our people!...

Yes, Yes! They are! They were, they are all our people!

All this is just a pretext for something that is called

the thirst for the sweetest taste of blood: the one that gets all mixed and mixed-up... messed-up life! 

That's what we've got!" 


(Inspired from "Schindler's List"


Some will keep showing on the wall,

some will just fly-out after the show

but the memory of their spirit will always remain

to create echoes and recall

of the ones we once were.

Always will there be something to say about each and every single one of our spirits.

He will love you forever, 

you will love him back! 

Let your heart heal and have the time of needed repair. 


(I'm talking easy ways, you'll say; I'm saying it to myself now, take it as you need it!

Get up on your feet, don't just stand there! He wouldn't like to see you this heart-broken!

Be stronger!)


It's hard to be asked to choose between the people and things that you love, 

I know, ... I felt like this before, ... I know, I've been there before. I know nothing.

I need a break from this state of mind, miserable. 

"The girl descending the train of ten thirty was now a young woman looking for the distant tomorrows as her now's were very well established, her pace walking to accomodation in firm and silent steps. A boy who used to be a man before this time of getting off the train descended too: he appeared to be confused. The first lady meeting his eyes was this old gal' having her nose too powdered and her cheeks too read to be true, a couple of sparkling eyes and the lips of a porcelain ravashing red struggling to put some volume on the surface. She stopped the young man with a firm grip of her apparently weakened hand shaking his arm along with the two losing altitude large feathers on her mushroom-hat. 

-Young man! Young man! Wke up! You're not a child anymore. Wake up! Is half past ten!

The man got a little scared by this ghostly figure. He then, in a short move, suddenly realised he was losing his bus so he shatched his arm and off he flew towards the bus showing its lights on.

- You have to wake up! the old lady repeated behind his back leaving an empty echo find its transcendance into another dimension. 

Loouna was watching all this from the proper distance to enjoy both the picturesque appearance of the lady and the strangeness in all the passengers' behaviours. All except one passenger were acting as if they weren't themselves anymore; age was not standing-up for anyone; education felt numb, and cursing and swearing got to be too tiring for enyone to give a try to. Nevertheless they weren't completely zombied: some traces of humanity seemed to transcend from time to time from the corners of their inner selves and minds saying something to one another through the different types of human language carried by the force of interpretation and feeling. Not the best choice, most certainly not the worst. 

The young woman descending the train first was now far away thinking about her godly ways to get even either with the destiny or with the fate, cheating both of them and leaving behind everyone daring to curse and swear anything that she might have put her mind to. She was no longer the child to be forced to to something; she was someone very conscious about what she had to do and how to do it so, she made it there, where she wanted to be, herself in full potetial and strength - up or down there, depending on how things might evolve, where she always felt like creating a place for herself too. There was no future to hate or fear, there was no self-damaging anger anymore since there was no future written yet.There was no past to haunt her since the past was nothing else than a tool, a library and a remembrance to use as a reference, example, idea... a creative space, a memory hub, a box from which a new repertoire will rise. No harm to be done with any repertoire she might come-up with; only the illusion of harming someone for the sake of old times and the "how not to's" or "how to's" to embrace in times of stressful tides."


excerpt from 'Moons of Amaterasu: Loouna's Dreamscapes' a book in progress


Too bad reality doesn't speak the same language as us!

Give me your venom, 

I'm going to make something of it, I'm sure! 

Just give me that venom and I'll prepare a cure. 

Well... didn't I ask for it? Just help me not with the cure for beauty and love - that's something I do not want to find a cure for... love? ... friend? ... enemy in need?... 

Should I call you in any of the upper-names above, circling the heads of our dying selves 

waiting for our death to happen for a feast with the flesh and blood they cannot find since we got covered, all covered in gold, sweet silver, platinum or iron cold!

The Twisted Hedonist


A way, a place, a land that you seek

Recreating from your mind 

using what was broken, got shattered or burried in the sand, 

using the memories of angels and demons who creeated the perfect fight for you to either become or evolve; 

Hedonisia is the land you all seek! 

Holy shall it be made, 

so you can feel and think 

no matter what 

- you'll make it matter for you or for another one - 

out of pride or out of dignity?

Who knows better than you


Save or kill me!


Holier it is to live your life in peace

than do the killing, appropriate as it sometimes feels

to be; 

killing those who always killed

for the murderers out there who wouldn't bleed, wouldn't even think of it

- aren't they smarter than anyone else on this Planet? -


Hedonist purposes managing feels and fears, orchestrating the killing,

murderous savings: they are holier than the ones set by your mind, 

perfect, as you were:

The mind of a creator.


All hedonists trying to kill that perfection, 

judging, misjudging, rejoining perfected mirrors, 

making perfection out of imperfect killing;

all these tries of yours, these tries of mine, 

made this nonsense of a world become possible.

Loving terms of highs and bios: 

this perfect world where we can hate one another in peace and harmony! 

Don't you love it!? 

How...? Do you like my perfect lying compound stand ?

Nevermind! I don't even know what I'm saying right now.

Is it the fever?

Is it the headache?
Is it because I lost all my faith in you?

When will I learn not to bother and just move with the flow of time?

'Should have learned it by now!

I sometimes wish to be all-knowing and smart, the greatest mind of all times. Then I realize what a tough and hard mission that would be and I start regretting the idea of having enough time for myself to make happen and live a life: living for yourself only... How does that sound to you? To me is as much as trouble causing making head-aches happen all around as living for somebody else. It isn't a question of independence and need but a question of interdependence and the ability to be connected while being disconnected to other beings as being still connected to your own perceptive views rejuvenating your spirit and making it rich without making you lose whatever is truly important to that much praised and love self we all hold very dear too - let's just leave hypocrisy on a side and admit that we all love it when we shine with the glorious light of whoever got to embrace those "must-be-beautiful-enough for this" selves of ours taking pride of "what-we've-become" leaning on the thought that "this-is-what-we-always-were"! Let's face it: we can be dangerous as hell. 



What you see now, on this face

is the result of what you did for me.

Oh, dear! Thanks!

- Yes, thank you! - 

I didn't expect anything nice from your end; 

yet you've been most wonderful! 

                                                                                               A friend.

"Don't you love when all things are properly misplaced?

Don't you just enjoy seeing that things didn't work well?

Don't you like seeing your people mistakenly doing wrong or right

with matters\making 'doesn't matter' climb up, so up there,

too up to help our happiness stay alive? 

Why happy? Why sad? 

Why the long face? Why the smiles?"

"She always hated our youth, our wisdom, our energy and audacity to rise again and again, each time someone felt like doing a nice gesture of friendship or the one of an enemy; I'll be your enemy if I have to, just don't become the ugly thing they wanted you to become! I hated them for what they made me become! They kill beauty, they kill hope, they kill love! And they do that in the name of love, in the name of a Lord that has nothing to do with anything good or kind or just in any world. 

I'd love to think that there is hope for us, for the humans sentenced to be his servants but ... there must be a great deal of strength and will, care and knowledge to make that happen. There must be a great deal of that real love nobody seemed to be able to support when the only thing that they should have taken care of was not losing it. If they fight it..., if they fight against it, against her and against him then what's left? 

Why, love? 

Is there any other secret ingredient to hold on to when everything seems to be doomed? Is there any other thing to make one carry on with whatever life has to offer... and hopefully that won't be more pain because not all of us are brave enought to take that pain and embrace it! Not all of us will keep silent as they slaughter and kill and make us feel useless, powerless and small. The idea itself of losing all that we sacrificed our lives for was painful enough - love...?(where are you? he whispered).  

A little gesture of love, kindness or respect can tell much about it and it's survival. Without it we are useless, powerless and small. 

Not all of us can keep being silent where there's no more love! Not all of us turned into  the perfect steel roaches not to understand and care a little, at least a little, about the love you dared to show to the entire world!

Se'...! Where are you?"

When ... when... when... 

Feeling like something to be disposed of; 

it's been hurting and bleeding inside,

aching and craving for answers for longer than you might think:

"So what, so what! said the world! So what!"

Their signs weren't satisfying at all... 

Now I'm learning and learning... things about myself that i wanted forgotten, some burried...

"It is much easier to burn them all inside and let out only what's gained the best shape possible"

when... when... when... 

"I've been trying to find that inner flame... that inner flame is hiding now and I still don't know who to blame!" 

'Ran faster and much heavier a pace,

saint furious mistake of messing with the devil, 

saint poison through my veins: to think that I was grateful for not knowing! 

Always been grateful for the times when sorrow leaves your heart;

Always been grateful for my learning-feelings times... always too grateful. 


When will I learn... oh, when? 

Please, pace yourself and watch it carefully, 

Don't fly too high when you're not ready, 

Don't do the same mistake as I did: 

Be sure that you are ready. 


Do, pace yourself, watch out! be careful...

Don't fly too high too soon,

make sure that you are ready for the mistake of your life:

the troubling fight for what you thought and felt to be our freedom.

I want to leave the past behind; it sounds awful since there are many things that appeared to be beautiful in that past we all glorify one way or another... Perhaps I want to leave mine rest in peace and get on with the the crumbs I've produced so far... probably making flowers coming out of them, I don't know - mice business; mice to be put to the service of my hand. Whenever I want something I get it! And that is the spirit to follow and to gain. Paying back a couple of fists and steps shouldn't do any harm; Just don't make it too hard for an  untrained one. Another easy to say thing among other things that get out hard and loud; in desperate sounds that would fit perfectly on a stage, in a movie or on the screen: drama, rage, fear, hunger for the blood we couldn't spill. I'd love being there letting it all out safely; wouldn't you? 

One ugly fact: As dangerous as The Light! 

The feminist note-pad messages I've sent: No sorrow, no regrets!

"You let my boys be happy or else!" what can I say!

Don't sorry!


"I have upset an entire world and now I expect things to calm down and see our woods and our people resting happily as I do something for a dream. 


One dream at a time, 

I need that world of mine to mean something. 

I need that dream of mine to be beautiful! I need it true! Will you help me?

And so she promised to herself to help herself and get where she always wanted to be. 

And, so he did the same; now what do you expect from me? What is there to happen? 


Didn't you learn as much as you could? Who helped you get that far-away with the things that you did? Who cared about what you could do? Who wanted you bad enough to win this battle? 


Ne.vr.mess.with.the.story-line.of.anyone.else.or.else… You’ll probably draw and paint and recreate something new out of this? You are probably going to find your ways to get healthier… who knows. I’m not there. You said it: they didn’t care and didn’t bother enough to get you out of this place… this state of mind? Find a cure for it now! These world creators of mine, will they ever learn the dangers of going too far for their illusions, their hopes and dreams, their wishes… only if dead! Perhaps, that’s why, dear friend, if I may, If I might even think to bother for all that matter of fact."

A healer in need, a healer indeed is what we need,

a healer to help in my times of sorrow and regrets.

A healer I wish to be when necessary, 

A healer through the art that I am applying... now breathe!

Couldn't you hear me laughing at a good joke?

Couldn't you laugh at a good one too?

Weren't you able to be there for me like I was for you?

to you, I'm dead with the poems of the life I imagine: 

a fighter I am! A fighter for that freedom to be gained. 



Importance issues, important you are.

Importance is fun: you do matter! You do matter to this world, to your son! 


You do matter to your mom'

You do matter to someone!

Somebody will care for you, one day. 

Somebody will care! 


You are important to me,  my child! Be proud!

Please be prouder of yourself and who you are! 


Learn how to be proud.

Be sent an angel to help you somehow, when in need!

rise from that decadence 

you were sentenced to!


Be sent an angel, be sent some sign and a friend, 

Be sent the help you needed.


Please, rise above your situation and be a respectable human. 


Advice from a coward that claims to be your friend

this way. 


Be proud! You were really good at this game! 

Really good! 

Be proud enough not to loose now everything you fought for! 

Be proud enough not to let yourself ruined and crushed

by the very powerful who wouldn't mind losing you! 


If you do I do and we do create that fantastic world to be built: together... accomplishing better dreams, greater persepectives, a million thousand years 

of repeating the one you were! 

Built-up yourself! Get up and built-up your strength! 



So, her voice kept being traines, the voice of someone looking to be great like you; she speaks of everything and nothing through her whispering sounds, her clear and enchanting voice, her unique love... take care, not to fall in love with too many angels though. 

Your voice is the spirit evolved, evolving The One. Your voice is the spirit of The One! Your spirit is one with The Chosen One. Take care and choose well!

Believe you are chosen and choose your destiny. believe that you are free to learn and be loved by your family; believe that you earned just about to become part of the great family small; believe! you should have it all! You should be free... feel free and find your best friend, feel free. Be who you wanted to be. 


Based on 

basis of

basing on 



I'm playful again - short. Straight forward. 

When will I miss you and when will you start to care?: you got yourself tired and there's no one to blame for this? You got tired and you blamed yourself raising up against this sadness coming from the dead: - but are they sad? did they care? If you're back there they probably know that you weren't well prepared. Go on and prepare. If you can't make it for me then who will? 

"You wanted me to be restless forever, that's why you did what you did! That's why you didn't do what you didn't do.

I'm not upset, now. I only have to be calm and gentle enough to understand the wisdom behind this way of punishing your people."

Too much pride produces damages to one that can and does - as history stubbornly managed to teach us, produce great wars, great troubles into many homes... can turn a good human into someone awfully wrong. You can turn a kind god-human spirit into a really bad one by making that human suffer more than necessary for a goal that should have been our goal. You'll end up losing the love that seemed to be too much but if true, it shouldn't be neither less no more than enough to help one through their darkest times. 

Too much of too much always produces pain too. 


What went wrong with trying to keep some balance in between these ... separate (?) worlds we live in. Your needs as a human are quite the same. As anything else... basically quite the same. 



± Not happy with this sell ±


Was it that the purpose, the meaning, the end? I'm probably so confused now that I produce bursts of laughter among the brave enough never to return here and try to save anyone or anything at all! One day I will laugh at this, turn around and be ok. I guess there is no world to love inside; there's only the memory of it that's kept alive.

"I'm being rediculous one more time, writing my stories, finding some ways, bright, to make wonderful things happen to myself - this awful pride that I'm learning about is not helpful!

You're making yourself powerful on the expense of the ones you forced to be grateful for the little they had. With the little they had they shall break you.

Share your love, if there is some, left inside, share your passions and believe in the humans I stopped caring for, just for a while, only a while... please don't make this pain go on like this forever!

Love can be hurtful but love can heal too... be the kind of love that makes you beautiful.

Some light is dangerous, some can be gentle and true...

Don't play with the dangerous: they're true."

In between the spaces they thought they should offer themselves as soft breaks, as an act of kindness to a world left behind they allowed themselves the privilege of sharing some thoughts (they understood as useful) with the kids of tomorrow.


I have said some words of wisdom,

I have shown you some pride, 

I've been dreaming a lot for the acts of being faithful

and kind. 

It isn't that much of a pride i have!

I could see your accomplishments and appreciate them well,

I am up for your freedom, 

this freedom out of hell in hell! 

I appreciate the lack of love and trust into what's real; 

I feel the same: 

really surreal. 

Don't wake me to your cruel realities, please,

let me sleep! 

Let me sleep, let me allow myself the sleep of a lifetime

spent in peace and harmony, 



Make a mother that suffered  too much feel better about herself, 

make a soul that was sacrificed but kept alive 

get well, 

make a living upon the choices of losing hell... 

make a living wherever you wanted to be.


I will always remember

with a smiling gesture, 

be it hidden inside or revealed to the wonderful people we "never cared" for. 

I cannot like this blaming more than I 

have to; 

be careful! 

If one cannot stand to be blamed for something ugly and bad

they should find their ways to 

get funny, honey and mad, 

bad, sad, bad, 

I am talking nothing but sandy sand. 


Belle, this SenDy,

A splendour for the shy

but beautiful

a shine.


I don't care that you know everything about who I am and what I did!

I will never blush in front of any hypocrite. 

I will be stronger than those rocks on the cliffs I admire

and brighter, sharper, sometimes cruel,

depending on the fuel:

just like the fuel you intoxicated me with

I'll be showing the fight against it!


God ... Sorry! - Wait a minute, I'm not! 

Confusing a thing, not confused as you might think;

I want myself strong and bright enough to enjoy, 

I want myself good enough for the show. 




For not being a little too kind with her story of life.

Who's to blame for that, I don't know! 

She was trying to put the blame on no one at all. 

I'm sorry. 



Do you know how it feels when God feels sorry himself for losing someone great?! 

Never make a God feel that angry again! 

Perhaps that's why! 

You never listened, you never helped! 

You treated as cowards the ones who would help and do something! 

You were never there for anyone else in particular, 

only some friends. 


Oh! I was confused! Always thought that the friends did it all for her! 

Too sorry to have informed her of the fraud of a god she had: 

a dealer of blood,

The Vampire. 


You should have fun now in the house of that Count!

He isn't a problem, he isn't around

and we're all grateful! 


- She wasn't the one to contribute to all our fun!

It was time for us to move on since she tried to go on and make it fun

as we know it. 

Even I felt too sorry for that! 


What can I say, your religion was bad,

not our! 


Don't try to forgive me, 

don't try to destroy 

the life we could have had,

the one we both care for.


It is about your life and future! 

It is about our lives, and our future.






If one believes that suffering cannot turn somebody into a better human, they are wrong ans I am right, just about now, at this moment in time when I remember a story about a boy who had a pretty hard situation to deal with when young, still nothing seemed to make him a bad guy until he realized that worse things can happen and he should either toughen himself or find another way. 

It is not the worst human the one trying to make something of you than you are for killing someone like that. Is this the heaven or hell we want that we're all fighting for or is it just me and we're actually wish to conquer the world? 

I know I do want to conquer my world! I know that I need to find myself there where everybody can live in a stupid dream called missinterpreted reality sometimes... I do want to believe that ignorance is sometimes that necessary little thing to make you believe blindly. Now, am I being honest, or not!? Why do I keep fighting for the same thing over and over again... I'd love to believe that we're not just grains of sand and oils, water falls from the starting cascades and grass growing sweeter for the eyes in the skies we conquer to enrich our souls with! 

There are times when one needs to live a little and times when one lives according to some rules and regulations that can be annoyingly missinterpreted misleading, misguiding, treating humans like fools - it is the best way possible, the civilized way. Trust me! 


Don't force me to live your nightmares, 

don't make me relive an ugly past, 

Stop making me feel angry for losing what I couldn't have;

I was supposed to do something about it,

Forget about complaining and do something. 


Too tired of your daddy-issues, jokes implanted in our heads,

Why won't you have those all instead

If you can handle it! 

I needed a break - you needed one too;

what seems to be your problem with my 'sin', woman? 



- So, always be there for yourself, never help someone who cared

enough just to receive you in their arms. And never care too much, ok?

- Please, God, forbid this and make her life the way we want: Hell Knot.


This sounds to me a little ambiguous. 

From the beautiful diamonds he bought for her with kindness and love she will get what she deserved.

From the beautiful thoughts of kindness you had towards her you'll get your payment. 

From the nice gestures she's making right now so you have something to put on your table. 

From the peace that sh'es been asking for in all the ways she could express herself and her wishes to you all, I'm sorry! Your tricks will never function on me nor her again since we learned from you guys how not to trust your kindness anymore. Make it real all that kindness and brilliance of yours and then we'll see if anyone gets to trust anyone around here anymore. "Life can be beautiful: enjoy! Then make it or let me make it beautiful, ok!?"




Don't tell me that reflecting someone elses feelings is a wrong thing to do. Don't tell me that reflecting upon the lives of others and upon my own is wong. don't tell me that taking an example to be followed or learning something means to be wrong... please, don't tell me that the capacity of feeling, transposing and sharing should be punished and seen as wrong. 

Don't tell me that choosing to do the right thing for myself is wrong and don't judge me for helping others!


Do tell me now that I am wrong, ok? 


And don't tell me that you didn't know what to do for youself to feel better and be able to move on with a deal that was too strong one to resist to: aren't they powerful, your curses and well-placed words? 

(Always placed into the wrong hearts to listen to and learn.) 

Never try to teach hell anything in the world! You will get the lesson of your lifetime instead... if brave enough and powerful... perhaps you'll make something out of it. Who knows? Maybe you really know what hell is and how it feels. I know that I don't! I can only imagine and try to understand. A proper mood is necessary for this doing, though! You have to understand that, right now, I'm not in the mood for more suffering and pain... unless you make it joyful. 

Am I funny or what? No fun Hearing from such a wrath. Please, know me the way I have learned until now. Don't know me! 

Hilarious a his-story.

"I want to evolve no matter what! I want to evolve no matter who gets damaged or harmed! I just want to evolve! Being helpful to the world? That would be just wrong. Oh, how I want to evolve!" 

Just kidding around, I suppose... Right? Wrong? 



The process of healing can be tough, if feeling like wounded, hurting inside,

feelings can be a very delicate thing to work with... 

Play with your feelings and things will be sad, things can get mad and frustrating. 

Take care of yourself your soul and that spirit for as long as you want to know 

About the importance of holding on to something that's valuable, something made with all the heart and soul... 

If you think my spirit is evil you're mistaken... girl. 

I wish you healed and I wish you remember to be honest and learn. 


Aren't we honestly wrong!? 




At the table with the number entitled to "Absurdismes" Monsieur Ean D'Aques (aka J.J) finally got to place his order.

- Je voudrais une tarte aux oranges, s'il vous plaît, avec deux poissons! 

- Sorry, sir! Could you repeat? 

Very gently but high in tone, in rare paces, the man repeated:

- Une tarte, .... une tarte aux oranges! ... Notez, notez... s'il vous plaît!

- Of course, of course! 

- ...Avec deux poissons!

- ...two...

- ... poissons! 

- Aaa... yes! Of course! How would you like those...?

- Pardonnez moi!? 

- ... fried... grilled... boiled, perhaps...


- Killed! a low voice dared laughing as it whispered the word to his neighbour. J.J. didn't hear this one being very into the conversation with the waiter (or perhaps he was only deliberately ignoring his guests! who knows? The man had peculiar ways of behaving.)

Three smiles, five ignorant looks upon five three faces and two curious to understand why the fun.


- Mais, vous  êtes cruel, monsieur!

- ... raw...? 

- Mais, biensur!

- Alright then!

- Alors...! He returned to his guests smiling ...



"A saint is a saint, no matter the church, no matter what they say or do! No matter what you may think or believe to be true! A saint is a teacher! A saint is a saviour! A saint is a punisher! A saint is a god! A saint is the tool of God!"

"The world has changed and they need the brave and very courageous not the victims of troubling experiences or thoughts, victims of empathy and hatred for lust managed well. 

The world need the fighter, the world need the acute! This world needs the ones who stand-up proud and act with dignity and faith; faith that wasn't broken by those who were taught and trained never to trust or believe in anything nor take anyone as a true friend.

The world needs the brave and wonderful! 

The world hasn't changed!"

They say animals make our lives better. Crazy animals can even change one's life - to the best or the worst. Now what does that depend on;  even better asked, on whom?

There must have been something wrong, 

very wrong with me, this soul of mine, 

in the very beginning, 

otherwise I can't explain why did things had to happen

the ways they did;

why curses, why all the swearing, why the struggle

towards what seemed only to be fair and normal, 

easy ways to feeling better 

bettering myself

and the surroundings!

why tears of sorrow when I wanted to give nothing but pure joy

of being alive and well, feeling very strong!

why menaces, why wars, why atrocities on television,

why so many talks about cunts and whores?

why nothing that can be called 

a real friendship? 

To the name of Evil

which anyone mistakes for being entitled wearing sometimes,

being forced to believe in the concepts of a pasts' cruel acception...

There must have been something wrong with me all along! 

How do you like this new misconception of mine?

"My life was perfect! My life was all about Pink-Fluffy Unicorns and wishes coming true, no matter the wish! My life was about being pleased all the time; my life was about getting whatever I wanted. Take my life as an example to follow and your life will be much better! I promise you that you'll find nothing disappointing at such kind of life!"

Do we have to accept the world as it is? Do we have to embrace everything we as as a part of the Universe that must be allowed to develop just as without saying a thing, without trying to produce a change? withoud contributing to its righteous development? Do we have to forget about being involved and live our lives in that passive existantialist way of deplorable, helpless and sometimes useless observance? Do we?

And if so... what for? What for...?

"They're teaching the all-knowing a lesson - the lesson to be less than they are. They're teaching those who search for better ways, better solutions for a better living not to wish for more since it would be damaging - when the damages are all done by them, the ignorant trying to create ignorants and destroy anthing that looks nicer and better than themselves; anything that might be used only for their personal growth and not the one of those who get ripped-of and hurt in the processes of development and growth. 

They're teaching the beautiful to be ugly and the strong to be weak; they're teaching us a lesson on how not to be more than they wanted us to become; on not to be who we really are. They're teaching us how to be less of a great spirit and more of the unvaluable, nothings that they are. I am not being hypocritical or too audacious! I am not being too much of an arrogant: I am expressing the truth, hurtful and ugly as it might be. 

Yest, the Truth carries a lot of beauty too... but the truth is also mean and harmful. The truth is nothing but the expression of the inner self when light is casted upon the spirit. I can only hope for the light of the Beautiful, Fair and Honest, the Real... God who can be a 'badass' only when somebody does something wrong to another human and keeps on going like that without realizing that they were the ones doing wrong all along this ride that was supposed to be a collaborative kind one, not the well-raised-hooligan type who couldn't understand the messages of Divine Resolutions. 

Whoever didn't fear God and the Light should fear it now! Whoever did anything wrong to another human - with the very purpose of hurting someone, because, because, because - they shall pay. Because... the (innocent) hurt ones deserve as much consideration and help as the very smart and taught how to do well on the expense of those who never did too well to afford to get punished this severely. 

I know, dear! I know what i'm talking about! That's why I'm here: because I know! I know what I did & I know what they did. I know what you did and I know who and why did it!"

"I've been trying to understand people around me all of my life; I wanted to understand their anguishes, their troubles, their minds; I wanted to know the causes of their troubles and find a solution to all of them. This went well for a while; but then it started affecting me and I could finally realise that there was no cure for everyone, that i must accept my failures as well as my triumphs. I had to let go since I was becoming one of them - one of those who get unsatisfied with their own beings after doing what they've been told; I was becoming dull and gray as I was tring too much to help others and too little to help myself. in the way. There must be some limit, some boundaries must be created if not found since all this is getting us sick, sickening our wonderful world."

"It can be very troubling to feel that you are alone in a depressive state of mind which was experiences by other people too. It can be awfully sad to get to the wrong impression that no one actually cares about what you care for and what you hold respect for; and it can be amazingly painful to feel rejected by the very people who claim that they know, they share and they care for the same things you do. It is hard when you open your eyes to learn that you are alone in the sea of people going on with their lives the same way you do, thinking themselves special, seeing themselves somwhere, anywhere else, learning their ways in and out, just like you do, exactly like everyone else around you've met or perceived does! It is hard when you set your bars (too?) high but you are down below - there must have been some fault; some fault of mine I wasn't aware of. Something that was craving for a correction of some kind; too bad many corrections prove to be damaging- to either the Self you call your own or to other individual selves - destroying the inner beauty before revealing it to the world properly. Too bad there is an immense try of replacing what is beautiful with what is ugly for the benefits of some kind of an orchestrated gameplay of some great minds applying forces of the unknown that don't wish well and never intended to do any good. Some may call this the game of life; others will get serious about it but the many will go on and ignore it: game or not, Life goes on. And Death does the same. Too bad we get to weaken ourselves and our own kindness for the benefits of those dark forces that are not meant to keep the balance but to break it and create more chaos than needed. Please, do not get me wrong here! Chaos is needed too, but only in the proper amounts; those little amounts offering us an idea with which to make a discovery of what is not meant to be given to our children as food. those little amounts of chaos helping us show and pick, choose what's best for us and what's to be left behind so it can find a way to the surface, finding the healing light and embracing it or forever hide away, plunging into the darkness of what they never wanted to remember. May God heal those souls in pain! Now why does this feel so awful? I can only hope that I'm not making another mistake confessing that I am a little disappointed. Perhaps I need my medicine; perhaps I need more beauty; perhaps I need a true friend. "



*(is there such thing as "setting your bars too high!?" if it is: why?! how come?! and how does evolution happen when no bar gets set as high as possible?!)



"I need to get angry enough to put order into my world and my brain!"

"I must be grateful for everything I've got so far or I wouldn't be here, doing something, chasing the try of stealing some idea of Miracle! 

Yes, I am grateful! Grateful for the things I learned and the good people I met all along my journey in life; I'm grateful for the miracle of life. Grateful for all the love I was blessed with - it showed well and was reflected by my entire self. So was trouble. I am grateful for everything that was helpful - and that includes my personal spiritual torments and quests, my storming feelings, my hides and my seeks; my imagined or projected upon other people dreams: they were usually good dreams, fine dreams, wonderful dreams, amazing and brave. Even in my darkest nightmares my characters were always able to find their wys out to happiness in eternity - sometimes secretly other times in plain day. The exception was made by some ghosts and poor devils that enjoyed their ungliness too much. Being evil with no other reason than the pleasure of being so is a choice too. There's always an exception, always some exception from the rule. Not everyone deserves to be loved; not everyone asks for love; not everyone cares."

 "Never let any entity, be it human or alien, crush you so bad that you feel less than what you are or you can be! Never let any love of yours for anything and anyone kill that faith of yours in whatever kept you moving on and along before! Never let anyone playing the role of the enemy win their chances to a real succes over you and your spirit! You know what you are, you know what you love; never let them send you to the hell you do not deserve: never! 

 And when never still happens, because there was enough humanity for it to happen, make that forever in it break into the pieces to work for you a s a weapon against those who did it and unfairily hurt you. 

Humanity can take a lot of tears and make something with and out of them; believe me on this one, I kind of happen to know. I can only hope for the best to happen and that justice we sometimes insanely ask for - it is the safest and sanest thing to ask for. And I cried and I'll cry some more, if I have to; this time for my justice, this time for our common goal. To make a better world happen for us all. 


 (And if we have to make it on our separate worlds then so be it! Peace to those who need and deserve it!)"

"I cannot love anyone truly when I don't feel truly loved; I cannot be of any use when my purpose and meaning, my new found use in this life seems to be put aside, at ease and lowered by laughter or tears of those despicable idiots I keep some count of desperately trying to understand who I am because I made the mistake inviting them to meet a small part of my heart once, hoping that this time things won't get ugly - but they did and I felt ugly again... as if it was my fault. Never fear the bright and the beautiful! Never fear the strong and smart - fear the stupid who are brilliant enough to wish to take away from you everuthing that is truly valuable leaving you with nothing but the memory of who you were and what you loved, lingering inside your shell, dying to be rescued by some abstract god or an angel of justice: only the light going with justice can be the Light I am looking for! she watched the clock ticking and thought of the feel of cold icecream and hot tea on home-made biscuits, the pieces of pie made by a loving grand-mother comforting her childhood with her warm true voice and her beautiful stories, bringing news and gossiping about cultural events they might find a way to get to; one day they'll go to Paris and from there to Rome, then Venice was waiting and Prague, then Vienna and Stockholm. They'll see Zurich and Berlin then off to Budapest and down to the Carpathians to see the places where Dracula was haunting the thieves and predators, the enemies of the throne attacking his valued kingdom. Then back home, but first an escape to London where they should have the loveliest time with some friends they never paid a real visit before. 

'Fear the ugly and too frustrated to look at their own humble or not beings, dear! grand-mother used to occasionally repeat to her. Fear them because they lack your faith in what right or wrong, because they'd kill to get to their wished valuable forms: you see? once they put their eyes on you, you must find a way to runaway and hide! Otherwise... you'll have to fight them and for that you need to be extremely strong and have an army of friends who think likewise, who found their inner beauty and learned how to show that, who do not hate another being for their possesions, no matter the kind, but for the harmful things they've done, if any, to get them. Fear those who attack with their fake kindness not those who embrace you with the coldness of a soldier who knows the fight isn't over and will be there for you, when you need him or her too. Fear the sneaky and tricky; sometimes they seem to be wonderful but they aren't good people. And fear yourself too; you might not understand this, but you do have the strength to produce damage to a good friend even if your intentions are good. Think better twice and act once, the much older than me used to say. And as she leaned forward she whispered: - nobody said that you can't think it very fast though! then she winked and smiled.' Their warm complicity lit up a flame and the girl she was back then was never to let forget the woman now about what a great grand-mother said about The Light." 

Enjoy your time among those you have chosen to love and care for. Enjoy it now because after you're gone it won't matter to you anymore; it won't mean a thing and it it will it will be cold and distant enough for you not to connect with them anymore. 

Enjoy the presence of human warmth for as long as you are able to feel it and care for it. 


Love. Peace. Joy


see also: "The bat of stars and the salt on the lips"

(for May is looking for her love)

Don't you dare enjoy your life and get to live something beautiful - in return! It's a sin. Someone will stay there in the shadows hunting you and those who dare to show any trace of gratitude, hope for the best or joy! Don't you dare live happily; it is going to be wanted. Don't you dare be a beautiful creature: on the outside - a very dangerous thing; inside, deep down inside - well, why won't you show!? show that inner light! (now I wonder why should I show it!? so you can screw me or with me one more time!?)

- Give me the sense of humour and the lack of care for your pathetic envies then I might just show you some light... the one you deserve to see!

Joan and the Communions


The voices of Joan have helped:

Those voices of Joan have erased the past,

Screaming: it's over! Are you... ok?

The voices of Joan have rescued me from all trouble that I could not handle!

Voices of the ones I once loved: all left behind!

The voices of Joan lifted me up

And I learned how to fly!

Their vices shut me down,

Got lit back by the candle of love.

Who loved me and why?

I am still asking myself and I look down

On the planet I left behind;

From above I send my blessings to you to do well, to do good,

I was and still am your nicest friend.

Perhaps this was your problem;

I'm sorry if it's such a great offence,

But no sorry's can bring back a friend and help me trust someone else again.

I will have to do well with whatever comes in hand;

I will have to surrender to a peculiar faith

And be strong,

Believe that others might just believe in the same things that I do.

To all my friends out there, left behind: be strong and beautiful as you always were!

I'm sorry: my tears were supposed to extinguish the fires unfairly lit

and carry down the river

the candles of our lost hopes and dreams for humanity.


And now I find that I can love again!

I will always make my share of the work and leave; one way or another, I will! You will never catch me to hurt me again! I will always find another way to escape from your unfair claws, from your unfair curses... from getting infested with the poison you've been pouring down our throats while asleep, while I was trying to support you, while trying to behave so we reconstructed an ideal world. I didn't think it through, though; I should have given it a deeper thought, a closer look: one cannot construct an ideal world with the wrong people; with the ones that aren't ideal at all. I grew too old and tired of believing that something must be done, that something can be done and that they could be educated. Things never happen just like in a fairytale. God never inspires truths for nothing in our heads. Things need to be either done or undone by people choosing their kind of people without harming them. If I ever offended anyone with the way I am or behave I shall regretfully apologise, with the honesty, care and hypocritical feelings going along with these words expressing more than their plane intended meanings would say if there were no feelings to carry them along with the entire cultural legacy of the human spirit.




*(Things never happen just like in a fairytale. God never whispers (for nothing) in your ears. God cannot be fully understood, like those nice fairytales we tell to ourselves and our children. And God never gives us reasons for anything unless we show we're seeking for the answers, we bother, we do something about it... we ask for it.)

May, be!

"From smoke they evolved... The spiralling smoke of a god that has burned his planet for the sake of your love!" 

I don't know what happened, I just know that I felt happy to be born; a new child enjoying a new life, discovering the beauties and wonders of the world.


"I have seen the future into a present !"


           ≈ That was meant to last ≈

~ (the present carries legacies that make a total blast!) ~ 
So, daring she was and so kind yet felt so betrayed and hurt... maybe her pride, maybe
another one's ? 
Collisions of prides for the illusions of glory and fame? for their happiness... maybe;
only perhaps... could it...?
May be!

May Be!

"Don't worry,
I'm not going to take your love away,
Do not be scared,
I'm not looking to steal your miracle,
Be it true or fake!
Do not be afraid, I'm not your criminal.
I only wanted to see if there's still love
Around here!
That's all!"

The whole book can be downloaded now by going here!

"No, you're not going to make what you want of me!

I am going to be myself, you'll see.

No, you are not going to make of me something less than I wanted to be,

Dreaming my eyes open wide,

I will find my inner light and let's say: shine.

No, you are not going to turn me into something else,

Unless that something else is myself, all the way,

Becoming something truly beautiful,

The unexpectedly amazing creature!'

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