If you want to be New you have be Ancient!

 

_I did some of the things I wanted to do! What will you do now?

Take another one of your idiotic revenges on me?_

 

It does depend on what one does and to whom!

These prosperous Tears of mine, found everywhere in that perfect world much loved, much cared for! 

Prism Tears 

 

'Am being told stories on how sorry you are, 

for me not doing this or that, for me not getting where I want, where you want; 

thanks God they are all short, these stories! 

Thanks Lord I'm still alive!

One day he invited me to go to a f***; another one he asked politely if I wish to die like an animal, alone and miserable; he also launched his invite to keep crying 'for him' I suppose! To all that I had one response back then: - Mneah! No thanks!

*

'Forced to play the victim role in society, she put and end to it, that existence of a fool taught better on how not to believe anymore than give it another try: she hated the weakened self and the stronger one was ruthless, merciless thus dangerous, leaving behind stacks of memories to be useful and serve to her purposes of creating something for a better life: if herself wasn't allowed to enjoy then her Child and the children of tomorrow will be having that! unfortunately not right a sentince; unfortunately not completely honest and true a story to be told.

- I am going to live, now, she decided. Too sad and lonely an existence this one feels! You all had a life! All have one! I had nothing but an existence... and when it finally came to me, that promise of a life, that life I was entitled to live (so they speak and promote, that after the gret struggle the happiness well-deserved) came to me, naturally, as it should come back to all of you, I said a word, I forgot a deed, I misplaced a feeling or two, I denied my own siffering the ideals of having a fight won and there I found myself throuwn in the middle of the wars of fire and frost from which vapours and smokes got spit to the skies of the darkest blue making all good gods cry and shout and react to the injustice done. 

So you take life that's best in everybody and make nothing of it! Well, this is what you do best! I used to struggle to make things better; I'll keep pretending that everything is alright, that this is the course of life itself: existence - the condition for life to be initiated and revealed in us, out of us... for us! I was lost anyway, before I even dared catching a glimpse at the possibility of having a life! 

Good-bye to you, for now... until I dare to say hello again! Until I recover from the deepest and darkest blue ever!'

*

'- Did you ever look-up to some one wishing you were as smart or great as they were? Did you ever see something to be learned and applied to your own self-existence, in your life given to you to find the clues for the reasons you kept making-up for going on being ridiculous and pathetic a human being for not leaving the world before they crushed the little dignity left? The answer is No! I'd rather die than lose that dignity! You didn't know, perhaps, how strong and damaging a sane-pride can be! You didn't know how much I'll make you suffer for attacking my dignity!

the long break was hideously making her mad:

- Well, did you!?

The answer never came; too tired, too many things to do, too many tears cried already for people who couldn't understand themselves not speaking of another one. It's alright: I do not understand myself completely either... My guess is that, in our quest of finding our reasons to stay or do something, our reasons to continue an existence, our reasons to fight, our reasons to give-up and rise again, the very purposes and meanings of our birth, we lose great deals of who we were so we can recover them brighter and stronger; so we can gains something else that might just serve the reasons we find ourselves forced to embrace if not determined to convince ourselves that me just have to make them up - For I wasn't born for nothing at all and neither were you! For we all have to do something for one another for the best of a life promised elsewhere (depending, of course, of what one sees in heaven and/or hell - of a situation and a state of mind we'll always speak well!)."

*

"I shouldn't have recovered from my traumas; they come by to punish us for every traumatic events we went through then for daring to recover and 'be normal'. Special cases for them shouldn't be like the special forces; so, I became a special force to draw them all mad and laugh in their faces and spit them in the eye their own venoms.  'How do you like the cobras you created? Are you insane?" 

'When venoms are supposed to help and save'

*

It's because s_he didn't deserve that kind of treatment; it's because s_he deserved a life, much better. It's because... some people choose to believe and others feel forced to lose all faith... it's because someone tougher and stronger decided how we should feel... they decided what was right and what was wrong for us too. It's because love was just a game of interests to take care of. As long as their interests are not badly affected everything's okay, it might also be great. It's because ... I wasn't born brilliant enough to burn whoever might try to hurt me before they get the chance to do so.

*

"- It was all your fault, he said, one day, all your fault! You see, there's no way for you to win this game since I got here first, I know how: you won't! It was all your fault, that's why you will not succeed! You're extremely upset with yourself and what you wanted to feel... what you wanted to be! You never were like that! There I go, denying all your beautifu self! Your beautiful light!"

*

"To him, seeing her happy was a sin of some sort! The evil golden-girl who hated us all said so and he listened to the evil gold! Why would she hate the beautiful if not beautiful herself? Why would she? Maybe she suspected someone taking away what was once hers; but why? Why was the world shaped this way? Why aren't the thieves punished for the things they do? Why these laws in favour of thieves? Why aren't we allowed to steal or steal back? And why punished if we exploit the beauty offered and make some more of what everyone's actually looking for? What went wrong with us looking for the truth? What went wrong with us telling a little lie so you kept, I kept, we all kept breathing this lie of a life you need, ...I need, everyone needs."

*

"The tears that I produced and the ones waiting for me just for daring...! Oh, I was crazy enough to think, to believe that history can go good-crazy and work that way for me too."

*

"She was right; dead people have nothing to lose, they'd kill for anything they they might wish for, no matter what, no matter who... she was right: they're already dead, they know everything and they know just how to... I hate it when I have to admit that she was right!"

*

You know all the truth but you don't care about the consequences, you don't care about what you're doing unless it's good for your image; unless you gained them all on your side! 

- What's wrong!? What's wrong now! Oh, you seem to cry! Poor baby! you'd say. Well, this poor baby happened to had enough of your games! My life was not a game for you to play and have fun with! I'm happy things worked all well for you... Not going to ask why this couldn't work for me too! 

*

*

"Denying your existence to make you exist, to make you show your power, the power of your will!

~I offended You! I offended Him! ~

Denying that somethings' existence though we can all feel, we can remember - too hard that something to take when only a human!"

Aren't we low?

*

"I need to get away from here! It's sad and stupid and lonely, absurd and irresponsible a thought, a feeling, a need. God, what is happening to me? I asked. But there was no other response but the one of a dead voice who never actually bothered for what I needed... or did he bother too much? How can I live with such lack of kindness and understanding? How?!"

*

"I've been lying to myself my entire life; I kept telling to myself that things will get better, one day they will and when they did feel as if they were going the right way I just took the chance to enjoy that feeling. Now I realise how wrong I was; they'll get you punished for feelings like that. They'll get you punished for daring to do something in the name of love, in the name of peace, in the name of anything good and worth fighting for! They'll even try to convince you that it was you the wrong and awful one! 'Dare to be happy!? Don't! It's wrong!' What's happiness to you, I asked and couldn't believe what this meant to you and what it means to me! What makes you all happy is what fights against what made me happy and I don't understand why! Why do you have to kill the natural? Do you think that this can bring any peace and satisfy your needs? It will only bring curses down on you! Why would you like doing this? Why won't you let the happy to make it keep doing what you all seem so very entitled to achieve and feel and experience...? Why, when you sense that someone's been blessed and chosed... why... do ... you...? why did you hate us so much? Isn't it because you wanted to make it youselves and just couldn't bear the idea that someone just got to do something about it> that someone was on their way ... Why am I bothering? Why? As if I had nothing better to do! I actually remember me having a lot much more to do, better and wiser things to do than asking myself why when I already know the answers to these questions... of mine."

*

"They didn't read my words carefully! They didn't understand though they are all men and women of letters, people of high standard degrees and knowledge, they stand for wisdom but their wisdom kills our children, they kill their artists and their saints, their good women and their friends, they kill their good men or make them all fight until they get what they want. They didn't care about us and our souls! They come back only when there's more damage done for their own, more damage to do to someone who has less and less to offer to them of what's decent. They'll sacrifice you no matter what you deserved - their prides and egos go first, they'll go first telling lies and hide the truth so they escaped the duty of accomplishing miracle - too hard a job to do well, perhaps! Too hard for you, maybe that's why! Too proud for their duties, only that's why! They didn't take responsibility for who and what they said they are, for what they asked to be, they wanted to be that only for their happy happy times and money! They don't care about the tears we shed and the spirit we share for justice! They keep using whoever they can for their own miracles to happen to them, for them! there's no point in asking anything from them; there is no point in praying nor praying for them.

There is no justice,... no justice in them, no justice for them."

"-Those who agree with child abuse are no better than the abusers themselves!

- I agree. It goes with every kind of abuser and agreer, don't you think?

-I believe that you are both too harsh on the agreers.

-How come?

-Well, you see... I am going to blame the entire world for this now, not fair, I know, but sometimes, the ways things function make one believe that they must have deserved the bad things that happened to them, making thus the victim become an agreer.

-That is proposterous! That is in no system of real understanding , knowledge and faith acceptable!

-You think so?"

See? I can slam some doors too! It's not that hard a thing to do once you took a little too much from the beautiful world you live(d) in! 

See? I can act like a total bitch too! 

Calling you all the names, saying what you are:

-perhaps you are, perhaps you're not!-

One day you'd like to be one of those names in a specific, certain way. 

See!? I can be upset and evil! I can be the woman you want me to be; you call these normal... since this is the normal you want, the normal you make happen! 

The one you're trying to do... You'll never, never, never do me... 

A fine bouquet of 'Thank You's!" to you!

"I was made by someone ready to lose me, 

i was made by people trying to make less of me; 

my creator wanted me lost for his birds, for his peoples, for his countries...

How could I not be ashamed for not getting where I wanted? 

For not having the strength needed?"

 

"I know what waits for me just in case I dared to put an end to this life that I'm supposed to be either happy with or to hate... I know what you prepared for me; it's not going to make me feel much better knowing that there is actually no way out of this... because if there were you'd try to make it even worse for me, so why bother? Why? She asked the paper-heart, her journal... the one who made himself a god to her. I just cannot believe how stupid I was before as I can't believe that I don't have what it takes to do the proper killing - I used to know and believe myself stronger and much better. What can I say? The moment I failed myself I failed my god and that's where things broke... That's where they always break, these things..." The Fifth Season

 

"-I wish you were forced to live the very place raising bad memories to you, haunting you and asking for revenge, that revenge you didn't have the guts to offer... That revenge you wouldn't care for because you're either the coward you accuse others to be or the hero of those you never imagined you'd belong to!"

 

"Do you want to see a machine crying? Come to me! I'm almost certain that I was made of flesh and blood sometime, in the past. I thought I felt something when the needle went through the flesh and I remember some dark-red liquid getting out of there...What happened to me, I don't know. What I do know is that I became a killing machine in every way you might think of me being. In every way you may fear me. I don't care about your laws and orders anymore, about your pathetic cries for justice and love! Nobody ever loved me; nobody ever cared... and those who did were all put down by force, put 'right' to the wall and got to be shot at and killed; they executed them. Then they felt sorry for messing with the world and its rules; they felt sorry for caring for me too. So, now I'm a ghost and a shadow, what's left of that spirit of freedom, the idea of happiness and freedom as I became the machine you will never ever see again; I will never come back to save anyone from any decision they might have been drawn into taking; I will never come back for anyone anymore. If they want to be Jesuses and rescuers killing one another the ways they do when things start going wrong, they can do so... I don't mind! It is not my world the one where you keep struggling to belong because they say so; because they want so; because they need to sacrifice one more - for the sake of their beloved wives and bitches and whores."

The Mirror Girl

 

 

“What did you do to me? You turned me into this mirror of everything I can see! Now I don’t even know who I’m supposed to be! And hardly I remember the one I used to be!”

 

In front of her mirror she was, the magic mirror showing her who she really was. Not happy with her life, with her departed self, but still trying to be “the man in the mirror” she wasn’t able to see. 

 

“Strong like a man, remember?!” a voice inside her head

Was whispering a promise on how she’d make an end.”

...

 

On the empty scene, she stood empty as well and cold, wearing white paint on her skin, telling the story of someone else’s sin as if it was all about her and herself. 

“I used to be a man; she stated, a man whose powers were great and whose will was even greater than any of his doings. I used to be strong and free to be whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. But then this evil lady-girl who was cursed never to wash her face in tears of her sorrows came and cursed me well: to be a kabuki character forever, abandoned to a mirror’s magical powers. 

A memory’s echo was heard right when she wanted to break the long pause, her moment of breath: 

“I will get out of here!” 

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