"You wanted me to be restless forever, that's why you did what you did! That's why you didn't do what you didn't do.

I'm not upset, now. I only have to be calm and gentle enough to understand the wisdom behind this way of punishing your people."

Too much pride produces damages to one that can and does - as history stubbornly managed to teach us, produce great wars, great troubles into many homes... can turn a good human into someone awfully wrong. You can turn a kind god-human spirit into a really bad one by making that human suffer more than necessary for a goal that should have been our goal. You'll end up losing the love that seemed to be too much but if true, it shouldn't be neither less no more than enough to help one through their darkest times. 

Too much of too much always produces pain too. 


What went wrong with trying to keep some balance in between these ... separate (?) worlds we live in. Your needs as a human are quite the same. As anything else... basically quite the same. 



± Not happy with this sell ±


Was it that the purpose, the meaning, the end? I'm probably so confused now that I produce bursts of laughter among the brave enough never to return here and try to save anyone or anything at all! One day I will laugh at this, turn around and be ok. I guess there is no world to love inside; there's only the memory of it that's kept alive.

Don't tell me that reflecting someone elses feelings is a wrong thing to do. Don't tell me that reflecting upon the lives of others and upon my own is wong. don't tell me that taking an example to be followed or learning something means to be wrong... please, don't tell me that the capacity of feeling, transposing and sharing should be punished and seen as wrong. 

Don't tell me that choosing to do the right thing for myself is wrong and don't judge me for helping others!


Do tell me now that I am wrong, ok? 


And don't tell me that you didn't know what to do for youself to feel better and be able to move on with a deal that was too strong one to resist to: aren't they powerful, your curses and well-placed words? 

(Always placed into the wrong hearts to listen to and learn.) 

Never try to teach hell anything in the world! You will get the lesson of your lifetime instead... if brave enough and powerful... perhaps you'll make something out of it. Who knows? Maybe you really know what hell is and how it feels. I know that I don't! I can only imagine and try to understand. A proper mood is necessary for this doing, though! You have to understand that, right now, I'm not in the mood for more suffering and pain... unless you make it joyful. 

Am I funny or what? No fun Hearing from such a wrath. Please, know me the way I have learned until now. Don't know me! 

Hilarious a his-story.

"I want to evolve no matter what! I want to evolve no matter who gets damaged or harmed! I just want to evolve! Being helpful to the world? That would be just wrong. Oh, how I want to evolve!" 

Just kidding around, I suppose... Right? Wrong? 



The process of healing can be tough, if feeling like wounded, hurting inside,

feelings can be a very delicate thing to work with... 

Play with your feelings and things will be sad, things can get mad and frustrating. 

Take care you your soul and that spirit for as long as you want to know 

About the importance of holding on to something that's valuable, something made with all the heart and soul... 

If you think my spirit is evil you're mistaken... girl. 

I wish you healed and I wish you remember to be honest and learn. 


Aren't we honestly wrong!? 




At the table with the number entitled to "Absurdismes" Monsieur Ean D'Aques (aka J.J) finally got to place his order.

- Je voudrais une tarte aux oranges, s'il vous plaît, avec deux poissons! 

- Sorry, sir! Could you repeat? 

Very gently but high in tone, in rare paces, the man repeat:

- Une tarte, .... une tarte aux oranges! ... Notez, notez... s'il vous plaît!

- Of course, of course! 

- ...Avec deux poissons!

- ...two...

- ... poissons! 

- Aaa... yes! Of course! How would you like those...?

- Pardonnez moi!? 

- ... fried... grilled... boiled, perhaps...


- Killed! a low voice dared laughing as it whispered the word to his neighbour. J.J. didn't hear this one being very into the conversation with the waiter (or perhaps he was only deliberately ignoring his guests! who knows? The man had peculiar ways of behaving.)

Three smiles, five ignorant looks upon five three faces and two curious to understand why the fun.


- Mais, vous  êtes cruel, monsieur!

- ... raw...? 

- Mais, biensur!

- Alright then!

- Alors...! He returned to his guests smiling ...



"A saint is a saint, no matter the church, no matter what they say or do! No matter what you may think or believe to be true! A saint is a teacher! A saint is a saviour! A saint is a punisher! A saint is a god! A saint is the tool of God!"

"The world has changed and they need the brave and very courageous not the victims of troubling experiences or thoughts, victims of empathy and hatred for lust managed well. 

The world need the fighter, the world needt the acute! This world needs the ones who stand-up proud and act with dignity and faith; faith that wasn't broken by those who were taught and trained never to trust or believe in anything nor take anyone as a true friend.

The world needs the brave and wonderful! 

The world hasn't changed!"

They say animals make our lives better. Crazy animals can even change one's life - to the best or the worst. Now what does that depend on;  even better asked, on whom?

There must have been something wrong, 

very wrong with me, this soul of mine, 

in the very beginning, 

otherwise I can't explain why did things had to happen

the ways they did;

why curses, why all the swearing, why the struggle

towards what seemed only to be fair and normal, 

easy ways to feeling better 

bettering myself

and the surroundings!

why tears of sorrow when I wanted to give nothing but pure joy

of being alive and well, feeling very strong!

why menaces, why wars, why atrocities on television,

why so many talks about cunts and whores?

why nothing that can be called 

a real friendship? 

To the name of Evil

which anyone mistakes for being entitled wearing sometimes,

being forced to believe in the concepts of a pasts' cruel acception...

There must have been something wrong with me all along! 

How do you like this new misconception of mine?

"My life was perfect! My life was all about Pink-Fluffy Unicorns and wishes coming true, no matter the wish! My life was about being pleased all the time; my life was about getting whatever I wanted. Take my life as an example to follow and your life will be much better! I promise you that you'll find nothing disappointing at such kind of life!"

Do we have to accept the world as it is? Do we have to embrace everything we as as a part of the Universe that must be allowed to develop just as without saying a thing, without trying to produce a change? withoud contributing to its righteous development? Do we have to forget about being involved and live our lives in that passive existantialist way of deplorable, helpless and sometimes useless observance? Do we?

And if so... what for? What for...?

"They're teaching the all-knowing a lesson - the lesson to be less than they are. They're teaching those who search for better ways, better solutions for a better living not to wish for more since it would be damaging - when the damages are all done by them, the ignorant trying to create ignorants and destroy anthing that looks nicer and better than themselves; anything that might be used only for their personal growth and not the one of those who get ripped-of and hurt in the processes of development and growth. 

They're teaching the beautiful to be ugly and the strong to be weak; they're teaching us a lesson on how not to be more than they wanted us to become; on not to be who we really are. They're teaching us how to be less of a great spirit and more of the unvaluable, nothings that they are. I am not being hypocritical or too audacious! I am not being too much of an arrogant: I am expressing the truth, hurtful and ugly as it might be. 

Yest, the Truth carries a lot of beauty too... but the truth is also mean and harmful. The truth is nothing but the expression of the inner self when light is casted upon the spirit. I can only hope for the light of the Beautiful, Fair and Honest, the Real... God who can be a 'badass' only when somebody does something wrong to another human and keeps on going like that without realizing that they were the ones doing wrong all along this ride that was supposed to be a collaborative kind one, not the well-raised-hooligan type who couldn't understand the messages of Divine Resolutions. 

Whoever didn't fear God and the Light should fear it now! Whoever did anything wrong to another human - with the very purpose of hurting someone, because, because, because - they shall pay. Because... the (innocent) hurt ones deserve as much consideration and help as the very smart and taught how to do well on the expense of those who never did too well to afford to get punished this severely. 

I know, dear! I know what i'm talking about! That's why I'm here: because I know! I know what I did & I know what they did. I know what you did and I know who and why did it!"

"I've been trying to understand people around me all of my life; I wanted to understand their anguishes, their troubles, their minds; I wanted to know the causes of their troubles and find a solution to all of them. This went well for a while; but then it started affecting me and I could finally realise that there was no cure for everyone, that i must accept my failures as well as my triumphs. I had to let go since I was becoming one of them - one of those who get unsatisfied with their own beings after doing what they've been told; I was becoming dull and gray as I was tring too much to help others and too little to help myself. in the way. There must be some limit, some boundaries must be created if not found since all this is getting us sick, sickening our wonderful world."

"It can be very troubling to feel that you are alone in a depressive state of mind which was experiences by other people too. It can be awfully sad to get to the wrong impression that no one actually cares about what you care for and what you hold respect for; and it can be amazingly painful to feel rejected by the very people who claim that they know, they share and they care for the same things you do. It is hard when you open your eyes to learn that you are alone in the sea of people going on with their lives the same way you do, thinking themselves special, seeing themselves somwhere, anywhere else, learning their ways in and out, just like you do, exactly like everyone else around you've met or perceived does! It is hard when you set your bars (too?) high but you are down below - there must have been some fault; some fault of mine I wasn't aware of. Something that was craving for a correction of some kind; too bad many corrections prove to be damaging- to either the Self you call your own or to other individual selves - destroying the inner beauty before revealing it to the world properly. Too bad there is an immense try of replacing what is beautiful with what is ugly for the benefits of some kind of an orchestrated gameplay of some great minds applying forces of the unknown that don't wish well and never intended to do any good. Some may call this the game of life; others will get serious about it but the many will go on and ignore it: game or not, Life goes on. And Death does the same. Too bad we get to weaken ourselves and our own kindness for the benefits of those dark forces that are not meant to keep the balance but to break it and create more chaos than needed. Please, do not get me wrong here! Chaos is needed too, but only in the proper amounts; those little amounts offering us an idea with which to make a discovery of what is not meant to be given to our children as food. those little amounts of chaos helping us show and pick, choose what's best for us and what's to be left behind so it can find a way to the surface, finding the healing light and embracing it or forever hide away, plunging into the darkness of what they never wanted to remember. May God heal those souls in pain! Now why does this feel so awful? I can only hope that I'm not making another mistake confessing that I am a little disappointed. Perhaps I need my medicine; perhaps I need more beauty; perhaps I need a true friend. "



*(is there such thing as "setting your bars too high!?" if it is: why?! how come?! and how does evolution happen when no bar gets set as high as possible?!)



"I need to get angry enough to put order into my world and my brain!"

"I must be grateful for everything I've got so far or I wouldn't be here, doing something, chasing the try of stealing some idea of Miracle! 

Yes, I am grateful! Grateful for the things I learned and the good people I met all along my journey in life; I'm grateful for the miracle of life. Grateful for all the love I was blessed with - it showed well and was reflected by my entire self. So was trouble. I am grateful for everything that was helpful - and that includes my personal spiritual torments and quests, my storming feelings, my hides and my seeks; my imagined or projected upon other people dreams: they were usually good dreams, fine dreams, wonderful dreams, amazing and brave. Even in my darkest nightmares my characters were always able to find their wys out to happiness in eternity - sometimes secretly other times in plain day. The exception was made by some ghosts and poor devils that enjoyed their ungliness too much. Being evil with no other reason than the pleasure of being so is a choice too. There's always an exception, always some exception from the rule. Not everyone deserves to be loved; not everyone asks for love; not everyone cares."

 "Never let any entity, be it human or alien, crush you so bad that you feel less than what you are or you can be! Never let any love of yours for anything and anyone kill that faith of yours in whatever kept you moving on and along before! Never let anyone playing the role of the enemy win their chances to a real succes over you and your spirit! You know what you are, you know what you love; never let them send you to the hell you do not deserve: never! 

 And when never still happens, because there was enough humanity for it to happen, make that forever in it break into the pieces to work for you a s a weapon against those who did it and unfairily hurt you. 

Humanity can take a lot of tears and make something with and out of them; believe me on this one, I kind of happen to know. I can only hope for the best to happen and that justice we sometimes insanely ask for - it is the safest and sanest thing to ask for. And I cried and I'll cry some more, if I have to; this time for my justice, this time for our common goal. To make a better world happen for us all. 


 (And if we have to make it on our separate worlds then so be it! Peace to those who need and deserve it!)"

"I cannot love anyone truly when I don't feel truly loved; I cannot be of any use when my purpose and meaning, my new found use in this life seems to be put aside, at ease and lowered by laughter or tears of those despicable idiots I keep some count of desperately trying to understand who I am because I made the mistake inviting them to meet a small part of my heart once, hoping that this time things won't get ugly - but they did and I felt ugly again... as if it was my fault. Never fear the bright and the beautiful! Never fear the strong and smart - fear the stupid who are brilliant enough to wish to take away from you everuthing that is truly valuable leaving you with nothing but the memory of who you were and what you loved, lingering inside your shell, dying to be rescued by some abstract god or an angel of justice: only the light going with justice can be the Light I am looking for! she watched the clock ticking and thought of the feel of cold icecream and hot tea on home-made biscuits, the pieces of pie made by a loving grand-mother comforting her childhood with her warm true voice and her beautiful stories, bringing news and gossiping about cultural events they might find a way to get to; one day they'll go to Paris and from there to Rome, then Venice was waiting and Prague, then Vienna and Stockholm. They'll see Zurich and Berlin then off to Budapest and down to the Carpathians to see the places where Dracula was haunting the thieves and predators, the enemies of the throne attacking his valued kingdom. Then back home, but first an escape to London where they should have the loveliest time with some friends they never paid a real visit before. 

'Fear the ugly and too frustrated to look at their own humble or not beings, dear! grand-mother used to occasionally repeat to her. Fear them because they lack your faith in what right or wrong, because they'd kill to get to their wished valuable forms: you see? once they put their eyes on you, you must find a way to runaway and hide! Otherwise... you'll have to fight them and for that you need to be extremely strong and have an army of friends who think likewise, who found their inner beauty and learned how to show that, who do not hate another being for their possesions, no matter the kind, but for the harmful things they've done, if any, to get them. Fear those who attack with their fake kindness not those who embrace you with the coldness of a soldier who knows the fight isn't over and will be there for you, when you need him or her too. Fear the sneaky and tricky; sometimes they seem to be wonderful but they aren't good people. And fear yourself too; you might not understand this, but you do have the strength to produce damage to a good friend even if your intentions are good. Think better twice and act once, the much older than me used to say. And as she leaned forward she whispered: - nobody said that you can't think it very fast though! then she winked and smiled.' Their warm complicity lit up a flame and the girl she was back then was never to let forget the woman now about what a great grand-mother said about The Light." 

Enjoy your time among those you have chosen to love and care for. Enjoy it now because after you're gone it won't matter to you anymore; it won't mean a thing and it it will it will be cold and distant enough for you not to connect with them anymore. 

Enjoy the presence of human warmth for as long as you are able to feel it and care for it. 


Love. Peace. Joy


see also: "The bat of stars and the salt on the lips"

(for May is looking for her love)

Don't you dare enjoy your life and get to live something beautiful - in return! It's a sin. Someone will stay there in the shadows hunting you and those who dare to show any trace of gratitude, hope for the best or joy! Don't you dare live happily; it is going to be wanted. Don't you dare be a beautiful creature: on the outside - a very dangerous thing; inside, deep down inside - well, why won't you show!? show that inner light! (now I wonder why should I show it!? so you can screw me or with me one more time!?)

- Give me the sense of humour and the lack of care for your pathetic envies then I might just show you some light... the one you deserve to see!

Joan and the Communions


The voices of Joan have helped:

Those voices of Joan have erased the past,

Screaming: it's over! Are you... ok?

The voices of Joan have rescued me from all trouble that I could not handle!

Voices of the ones I once loved: all left behind!

The voices of Joan lifted me up

And I learned how to fly!

Their vices shut me down,

Got lit back by the candle of love.

Who loved me and why?

I am still asking myself and I look down

On the planet I left behind;

From above I send my blessings to you to do well, to do good,

I was and still am your nicest friend.

Perhaps this was your problem;

I'm sorry if it's such a great offence,

But no sorry's can bring back a friend and help me trust someone else again.

I will have to do well with whatever comes in hand;

I will have to surrender to a peculiar faith

And be strong,

Believe that others might just believe in the same things that I do.

To all my friends out there, left behind: be strong and beautiful as you always were!

I'm sorry: my tears were supposed to extinguish the fires unfairly lit

and carry down the river

the candles of our lost hopes and dreams for humanity.


And now I find that I can love again!

I will always make my share of the work and leave; one way or another, I will! You will never catch me to hurt me again! I will always find another way to escape from your unfair claws, from your unfair curses... from getting infested with the poison you've been pouring down our throats while asleep, while I was trying to support you, while trying to behave so we reconstructed an ideal world. I didn't think it through, though; I should have given it a deeper thought, a closer look: one cannot construct an ideal world with the wrong people; with the ones that aren't ideal at all. I grew too old and tired of believing that something must be done, that something can be done and that they could be educated. Things never happen just like in a fairytale. God never inspires truths for nothing in our heads. Things need to be either done or undone by people choosing their kind of people without harming them. If I ever offended anyone with the way I am or behave I shall regretfully apologise, with the honesty, care and hypocritical feelings going along with these words expressing more than their plane intended meanings would say if there were no feelings to carry them along with the entire cultural legacy of the human spirit.




*(Things never happen just like in a fairytale. God never whispers (for nothing) in your ears. God cannot be fully understood, like those nice fairytales we tell to ourselves and our children. And God never gives us reasons for anything unless we show we're seeking for the answers, we bother, we do something about it... we ask for it.)

May, be!

"From smoke they evolved... The spiralling smoke of a god that has burned his planet for the sake of your love!" 

I don't know what happened, I just know that I felt happy to be born; a new child enjoying a new life, discovering the beauties and wonders of the world.


"I have seen the future into a present !"


           ≈ That was meant to last ≈

~ (the present carries legacies that make a total blast!) ~ 
So, daring she was and so kind yet felt so betrayed and hurt... maybe her pride, maybe
another one's ? 
Collisions of prides for the illusions of glory and fame? for their happiness... maybe;
only perhaps... could it...?
May be!

May Be!

"Don't worry,
I'm not going to take your love away,
Do not be scared,
I'm not looking to steal your miracle,
Be it true or fake!
Do not be afraid, I'm not your criminal.
I only wanted to see if there's still love
Around here!
That's all!"

The whole book can be downloaded now by going here!

"No, you're not going to make what you want of me!

I am going to be myself, you'll see.

No, you are not going to make of me something less than I wanted to be,

Dreaming my eyes open wide,

I will find my inner light and let's say: shine.

No, you are not going to turn me into something else,

Unless that something else is myself, all the way,

Becoming something truly beautiful,

The unexpectedly amazing creature!'

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